Monday, February 22, 2010

Insert Witty Title Here

This is going to be a fairly angst-ridden blog post, so please be prepared.

Senior year of college is such a confusing time. There are so many paths one can take. There's the dilemma of whether or not having a good time outweighs the importance of getting all your work done in a timely fashion. Half of me wants to go crazy and have the most fun ever, and the other half of me wants to buckle down and be serious. I guess that's what makes this year such a critical year. Most of college is fairly aimless and low stakes. For me, anyway. Yes, I know, I'm a theatre major. But that doesn't mean I haven't been given my fair share of work. Thus far, my college career has felt like something I've floated through. I haven't had major responsibilities because my parents are still supporting me. I've had assignments or tasks that I've had to get done, but I've some how made it this far without really giving my all. And that goes for essentially every arena of my life. I've never given 100% to my school work, and I've never given 100% to my personal life. I've turned down countless social opportunities (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating) due to my constant exhaustion and low motivation level. Most college students go out multiple times a week - how they afford it, I'll never know. This year, for me anyway, has also been confusing in terms of what I want. Do I want to be single or attached? Carefree or committed? I view things as very black and white. Another question: am I ready for ANY of this? For my future? For another person to enter my life? Holy crap, this is confusing.

This year is such a turning point because I feel like it's somewhere in between adolescence and adulthood. While in college, it's all about meeting people and downing cheap beer after cheap beer. If only life continued like that forever. This year was the first time I've ever really thought about what's next. Now it's all I think about. I'm not a fan of this new interest in my future. It scares the bejebus (I googled that spelling...I have no clue if it's correct : / ) out of me. To top it all off, I've never been very good at transitions. I act like I'm still on the last step but feel like I want to move on. Or I act like I've matured and am ready for adulthood but secretly just want to be reckless. I'm never very constant in what I want, think or do.

What's going on with my brain?? Senior year is the pits.